Ways quitting smoking sucks during the first week

I did not walk to work this morning.  I did walk home, though.  Three miles.

Breakfast was a turkey and cheese sandwich on a whole-wheat roll with a seltz.  At about 8am.

Keavy and Bill brought me a “cleansing drink thing” about an hour and a half later.  How nice!

Luncheon included some of this, which I eat frequently – it’s called Conchetta’s Sunday Gravy and it kiiiicks.

As well as part of this sandwich that the ladies from Saltie hooked me up with.  They make some of the best sandwich bread I’ve ever had.

Also snacked on three of these cupcakes throughout the day. Thanks, Keavy.

And dinner!  was one hot wing (they were gross), two small slices of pizza with a disproportionate amount of crushed red pepp on them, and ice cream.  Sew.  Day four, quitting smoking is over.

I beat myself up about this sometimes.  I should be eating better.  But really, REALLY, it’s fine.  I just have to get through the first few weeks of quitting smoking.

And I feel kind of embarrassed.  Because, if you’ve been reading this blog since the beginning, which is only a few months ago, you know I already DID quit smoking, right in the beginning.

But I couldn’t really handle it.  I changed my diet, and my whole lifestyle all at once.  So, when I started smoking again,I REALLY started smoking again.  I latched onto it in a way I never had before.  Smoking in the morning, and all day.  On my long walks.  Upwards of a pack a day.

But I knew I was going to need to quit again, and soon, because I’m having surgery at the beginning of next year. And so I started to obsess, and feel really bad about my smoking.  And it was interfering with bettering my body, physically, I couldn’t really run, or engage in any high-impact anything, and I don’t want to be limited that way.  And so it is time to quit.

So the past few days, I’ve noticed what that means.  And while I am sure, no doubt about it, that I am addicted to the nioctine, it is most certainly the ritual of smoking, and what that means to me, with which I am having the most difficulty.

- walking to work, walking anywhere, the walk gets boring?  cigarette.

- at work, downtime, avoiding certain tasks, etc? cigarette

- hanging out with friends, acquaintances: a lull in the conversation, a boring topic, an uncomfortable moment?  cigarette

- home, watching a show, it’s not very good, not sure what else to do with myself?  cigarette. ensures I can keep watching.

- drinking and smoking.  do I even need to explain?  By far my biggest trigger, and why I am not drinking for a few weeks.

It’s clear to me that smoking prevents me from doing what I could be doing.  I’m not even sure what that is but I know it’s at least this: MORE.  I need to find other ways to calm myself, to sit still.  If I’m uncomfortable I need to deal with it in a healthy way, which means actually deal with it.  If I’m in the middle of an activity I don’t like, I should do something else, instead of smoking to force myself to continue out of habit.

I will save so much money.

And I will be healthier.

But for now, thank God for those tiny cupcakes.

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